Dying

Sometimes I say that dying is good. People are confused by this notion because it's not what our culture celebrates. The problem is that there is a certain amount of magical thinking that we do. We think like there is an option. There is no option. There is only the choice of dying. There is no such thing as living forever. All things that live also die. In fact, since thought is generally dualistic ("either this OR that") one cannot really have the notion of life without the notion of death. They create their mutual existance, since without one there is no distinction between two states. In that sense, death permits or even creates life. Non-dualistic thinking is very confusing because in that format there is neither life nor death which is a reality so hard to perceive most of the time it just isn't worth it to consider that. So to me, in the most simplistic way I can, I say "dying is good". The magical thinking that we have is that we may live on. We don't necessarily think someone will live on forever. We just don't necessarily ever accept that the dying time is NOW. It has to be later. Of course, it can't always be later. We just refuse to ever have it be now. So it's magical thinking. To be completely honest, we DO want eternal life for ourselves and loved ones. We just aren't honest enough to say it out loud because it would sound childish and unrealistic.
The problem with thinking that death is not good as that we don't accept it. We don't look for the "now" that death should come. We refuse the opportunity at all costs. But what is the REAL alternative? There are actually only two choices. There is dying - a good choice. The other choice is refusing dying, which is the choice that leads to suffering. People will go through all sorts of torture in order to try to fight what is supposed to be. This is mostly driven by fear of having failed to live, having failed to love, or some form of guilt about how it's ending up. There is "unfinished business" when the "now" comes. So it can't be time. This causes great suffering.
Yesterday I saw JD whose father RD just died. He was a patient of mine. He has suffered for the last couple of years with severe pain that we just can't alleviate. He spoke to me several times about suicide. He wanted to die to relieve the pain, and at 80 years old, he didn't think that however many years he had left should be spent in agony. His wife wasn't willing to go along with suicide. She didn't feel that it was ethical. So I never helped him with it. Of course, it isn't legal to help with that. So I actually never help with it. Except that people sometimes end up dying accidentally if they have easy access to it and permission. RD never would have gone through with it without his wife's blessing, though. So he persisted with pain.
JD was not exactly glad that he is gone. But she new that the "now" was right. She said something to me that was very critical. RD had written a letter over the past three years for his family to put them at peace with his leaving. It's a fabulous thing to do. I have to do that. My wife did that and I have meant to do that. Of course, the time to do that is "now". Not because it is obvious that my time is imminent, but it is true that we never do know when it is. So we need to always be at peace with this. We need to make sure that all of the people we love are always at peace with this so that there won't be so much suffering when the time comes.

It was hard for me when RD died. He died only one week after PN died. I can't really have my patients dying, no matter how good dying is. Loving is not entirely different from suffering. We become attached to people. I am attached to the patients. I like them coming here. They give me something to do, and a sense of purpose. So when they leave there is suffering. JD made it easier for me because one of the most difficult things for me is the family of the patients who die. I can't really alleviate their suffering very well. So if they don't suffer then I am happy.