Yesterday, I saw P. She is in her seventies. She saw another physician, who had diagnosed her with Alzheimer's. Actually, she doesn't have that. She has progressive aphasia. Aphasia is when you lose language. She can't find the words that she wants to use. Alzheimer's patients also develop aphasia. But they develop other thinking issues. They have "global" cognitive decline. So this is different. Words that we need get put into a filing cabinet. Then, when we need them we go and retrieve them. P has lost the ability to find the files for the words in the filing cabinet. Her repetition, comprehension, and reading abilities are normal. It's a very interesting illness. It's rare. It's "expressive aphasia". Aphasia actually comes in different forms. Most often, there is loss of most of the language functions.
It's hard to imagine this particular problem. There is normal thinking. What one wants to say is there, but it won't come out. So it's essentially the same thing as just having your mouth taped shut whenever you go to speak. Unfortunately, expressive speach through other means is also impaired. So there isn't a way around it. Usually, these patients can't use sign language to express themselves; they can't write to express themselves (they can copy, but not write original thoughts). They're "mute" but not deaf. She was happy to not have Alzheimer's. She can drive, and do all of her checking, and shopping. She lives alone and gets everything done just fine. That won't go away.
I like expressing myself. I like communication. Most of us like to speak. People speak just to hear themselves talk, sometimes. I guess that everyone has a thing that they would hate to lose. Most of us, I guess, would hate to lose most of our functions. To me, it seems especially hard to lose speech.
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I am certain that I do not know of anyone that could withstand having their thoughts inprisoned in their own mind. If I could, I would be honored if they accepted to be my mentor. There are monks and other deeply spiritual people who can live in their own mind and find peace with that. It is not a journey that I cold undertake. Although, I beleive that there are very few unique thoughts today, I do need an opportunity to converse and share my fears and troubles and my good times. Who knows why this woman has to endur this, but I can only hope that she is one of those very rare individuals that can find peace in her life and it becomes contagious to those around her. Maybe the strength of her aura will intensify and this will be accomplished. I initially wanted to write something because I felt, and still do that I have nothing to contribute. My concern was that it would sound insensitive and an attempted joke, but it is not. I will say it anyway. For those who have to live this way...I find my own self speechless.
I had forgotten all about those people who take a vow of silence for spiritual reasons. Those vows are usually for a limited time, though. That may be different than permanent loss. It's also different when you know the purpose of what you're doing. I don't think I would find peace in a place like that, but you never know where you'll go until you're there.
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